


Give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die

by HolisticallyDirk (DrowningInStarlight)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Support, Found Family, Heavy Angst, I can't warn you enough, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Night Terrors, Nightmares, No Smut, Polyamory, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Sharing a Bed, This is so angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 09:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13587222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInStarlight/pseuds/HolisticallyDirk
Summary: Todd may not care about many people. But the people he does care for? He loves them more than life itself, and he knows how theyhurt.Some things no one should have to endure. Some memories shouldn't be faced alone.





	Give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die

**Author's Note:**

> This is really angsty, and contains some fairly graphic descriptions of breakdown/panic attack type things. If that kind of thing bothers you, maybe steer clear of this one. Stay safe, people! 
> 
> Title from Far Too Young to Die by Panic! At the Disco. 
> 
> This fandom has rapidly taken over my life. I've been unable to stop writing these characters. (And hurting them, apparently. I'm so sorry, Dirk.)

Todd doesn't care about many people. He doesn't have a big family, never had many friends. He'd always been guilty of caring about himself slightly more than the people around him, but recently he'd grown up. Recently, he'd fallen in love. 

He may not care about many people. But the people he does care for? He loves them more than life itself, and he knows how they _hurt._

 

Farah lashes out. When she panics, she goes into self-defence mode, refusing to let anyone get near her. She sobs and jumps at shadows, clutching her gun like it's the only thing tethering her to life. Todd and Dirk are used to it. Todd remembers countless hours spent sitting shoulder to shoulder outside Farah's door, talking to her, listening to her cry but knowing that they couldn't comfort her the way they badly wanted too. 

Dirk, in particular, struggles with it, more often than not he ends up sobbing as well. Sometimes, that's what it takes to snap Farah out of it. Sometimes they both end up crying until morning comes, Todd holding Dirk and wishing he could hold Farah too. 

 

Todd screams. He screams and screams until his voice is hoarse, until he can't seem to stop. Normally he just screams, but sometimes there are words in there too, although he doesn't realise it. He only knows because after the first few times he woke everyone up, he told them to ignore him, he wasn't in pain and wanted to be left alone. But that night Dirk had almost broken the door down when he heard Todd scream. He'd yelled for Farah, and the three of them had huddled under Todd's blankets for hours until Todd calmed down enough to say "I told you to ignore me..."

Dirk had looked at him with soft sadness. "You said my name," he'd whispered. "I'm never going to ignore you if you call for me."

 

When Todd awoke to see Farah standing over him, he knew tonight it would be Dirk. 

"He's locked the door," Farah said urgently. "I can pick it, but I thought I should get you first."

"Thanks," Todd replied, and they went back out into the corridor, dark and empty. Todd could hear him through the door now, quiet, shaky sobs. That was the scary thing about Dirk getting bad again, they couldn't always hear him. He didn't want them to hear him, but Todd and Farah had made a pact right from the beginning that Dirk shouldn't ever have to face these feelings alone.

It took Farah ten seconds flat to pick the lock. 

 

When the memories take over, when the pain gets bad, Farah attacks and Todd screams. But Dirk hides. He curls up so tightly that Todd and Farah are sometimes afraid he'll never come back. That they'll lose him to the past, to the fear, to the pain. 

"Dirk," Todd said, "Dirk, we're here, it's us," but he got no answer. Dirk was hidden under the covers, sobbing mixed with ragged, irregular breaths. 

"Dirk, it's us, it's Farah and Todd, you're safe," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. The room was pitch black, air heavy. Todd opens one of the curtains, letting a strip of moonlight shine onto the floor. The he matches Farah's position on Dirk's other side. 

"Dirk..." he said, putting his hand out to touch his shoulder. As always, he was scared by how much Dirk was shaking. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Dirk said, whispering at first, but his voice rising in panic. "I'm sorry, I can't, I can't!" 

Todd opened his mouth to reassure him when he realises that he isn't talking to them. He's talking to the past. He's talking to Blackwing. 

"That's not... That's not how it works," he gasped, "I can't do it, I'm not like that! Just get it over with, just end it, do it! _Do it_!"

Farah and Todd understood what he meant at the exact same moment. 

"No, Dirk, you're safe," Farah said, and Todd heard the beginnings of panic in her voice. "You're _safe,_ I promise you!" Todd put a hand on her arm. 

They never quite know what to do when Dirk gets like this. Farah told them to just leave her be the morning after they first saw her like that. Todd had followed suit, but Dirk refused to talk about it. The two of them came to the same decision now, though. They had to do _something_. 

Todd lent over so he was properly hugging him. He knew how Dirk was with physical contact-- he craved it, although he flinched if you moved too fast. He hoped it might help bring Dirk back to himself. 

Farah said "Dirk, you're safe, do you hear me? We're never going to let Blackwing touch you again. You're ours now, right Todd?"

"Hell yeah," Todd agreed. 

"Here's the plan, yeah? If we see anything even remotely resembling Blackwing, we contact..." She started describing their emergency plans, reciting lists of meeting points and safe houses, everything they'd spent weeks arranging and double checking. Whether it was the plans, or just the sound of her voice-- rising a little when she described something she was especially proud of, getting more serious when mentioning an enemy-- Dirk uncurled, just a tiny bit. His breathing came slightly easier, and Todd found himself thanking all the gods he could think of. 

Farah slid down a little so she was lying next to him, and Todd followed suit. 

"Dirk..." He said, ever so softly. "Can you talk to us?" 

"I..." Dirk's voice caught and rasped. "I couldn't do it, I _couldn't_ , but they wouldn't stop wouldn't stop wouldn't stop and I can't get away and it all leads back to them and they _wouldn't stop_ ,"

"It's okay, it's okay," Farah said, trying to keep her voice steady, "You're with us, we're never going to do anything to you without permission, it's _okay_."

But it wasn't okay. They all knew that. It wasn't okay at all. Dirk looked at both of them, and his expression was desolate, so horribly horribly desolate. "I didn't think I was going to live this long," he whispered. "I didn't _want_ to live this long."

Todd didn't know what to say. Words had stopped having any meaning, unable to bear the darkness and the sheer weight of the pain, leaving them alone with feelings bigger than the universe itself. 

"I know," he said eventually. "I know." 

"Can I touch you?" Farah asked. 

Dirk nodded, a quick, jerky movement, and Farah put her arms around him. "Tell me, Dirk. Tell me when you want me to stop. _This isn't Blackwing._ You are in control." 

"I'm sorry," he said, and this time Todd knew he was talking to them. 

"It's okay," he told him, waiting for Dirk's nod before joining the hug. "It's okay." 

Dirk was still shaking, but he put one arm around Farah's shoulders and the other around Todd's, as he always did. Todd and Farah moved closer, as if they could shield their detective from the world, from everything that wanted to take him away. 

"You're safe here," Todd said. "We're safe here. We're together. We'll be okay."

They don't believe him. He doesn't believe himself. But just for now, they pretend.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Dirk having silent breakdowns wasn't mine originally, unfortunately I can't find the fic that inspired me, I'm really sorry. Same with the way Dirk reacts to physical contact, but I think that's more a generally excepted fanon thing rather than someone's specific idea.
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: The name of the fic than inspired me is Catharsis, by Ben8615! Definitely recommend checking that one out. Thanks for tracking it down, Zigostia! :D
> 
> If you have any prompts/requests that you'd like me to write next in this fandom, please comment them! :D


End file.
